Two Yanks In Oz

The closer I get to leaving for HILC, the more God heats and beats my heart, much like iron. He's definitely preparing me to be open to His Spirit when I leave.

A few nights ago I woke up at 4:30 am with some words rolling around in my head. Usually I ignore anything that comes to me that late at night, but I felt like I needed to write the words down. They were words that were tender for me. Things I didn't want to admit to myself or to anyone else. I went downstairs and wrote them all down, and started arranging them into something that made more sense to me. It ended up as a poem, and now a song. Songs just seem to make sense, you know? I can follow the idea and the emphasis of a song much more easily than anything else on the planet.

The words, like I said, were tender to me, and I don't think I fully realized how tender they were until they came out on paper. I guess I just pushed those feelings into the back of my mind. The words were about a specific person that I came to care about very much. I didn't understand that I cared until I left this person, and I don't think this person cared about me to the same degree. We disagreed over a lot of things, but agreed on a lot too, and had some very intense moments where I almost felt something emerge. However the situation we were in really didn't allow room for anything else but the tasks immediately at hand, and when the task was done I left and haven't seen that person at all since then. But over the past few months, I come back to that person in my head over and over again. There's not anything I can do at this point. I am leaving, this person is otherwise occupied in a different part of the country and even if I could do something about it, I don't know if I would. It's frustrating because I don't want to feel that way at all and I don't understand why those feelings are there. I developed them quietly and they snuck up on me all at once a little while ago. Hopefully other people know what I'm talking about and I'm not out in crazy town by myself.

I wrote the words for that person, and wrote our story specifically, but the longer I sat looking at them, singing them, playing with them, I realized that they could be for any number of people in my life. I didn't attempt to write about God mending anything or about a hopeful ending. I just wrote how I feel, at a dead end, stuck with this longing for another person and the bitter regret that we are separated indefinitely and I'll never really know their side of the story. I feel that way about a few people who were very important in my life for a while and now have virtually no contact with me. I can't help but wonder how Jesus would guide me. I know I haven't deliberately hurt anyone, but there have definitely been things unsaid and relationships lost. Does Jesus mourn the loss of friendship for me, the loss of love? Am I losing people who were supposed to be an integral part of my life?

The thing that bothers me the most about myself is that I put on this armor against other people and often don't let my tenderness come through it. I feel like I have to be uber impressive, spiritually and mentally and emotionally. I'm sure a psychologist would tell you that it's because of the situation that I grew up in with people watching me all the time, and watching my family, but I think it just comes down to fear. In fact, I know it does, because when I do finally feel comfortable enough with someone to show a little bit of my heart I do it in an awkward way and then immediately become afraid of their reaction. Why can't I just tell people when I think they are doing wonderful things? Why can't I tell people when I admire their character? Why can't I just tell someone I love them without feeling embarrassed to feel that way?

I feel a deep sense of sadness for all of the people I have let slip in and out of my life. I feel a sense of guilt for not maintaining contact out of the fear that the other person would find me annoying. It's all so unreasonable but I do it all the time! And I keep telling myself how awful it is that I did it.

Matthew 18:21-35 tells me that if I don't forgive myself, God can't forgive me either. That's a very weighty thought for someone like me, who wants everyone to love her and is very conscious of each slip up. But no doubt about it; If I am unforgiving to anyone on earth, including myself, I can't receive the forgiveness of God. So that will be my first priority: forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for being silent when I could have been loving. Forgiving myself for being talkative and advising when someone else needed silent understanding. Forgiving myself for not hearing others and living too much inside my own head. I am going to let it go and accept a clean slate.

I'm going to remember that as a Christian, I only need to feel guilty if the Holy Spirit rebukes me and brings my sins to light. Half of the things I get upset about are not really bad at all, and I just create this huge battle in my head that no one else sees. So if the Spirit isn't rebuking me, I'm not going to worry about it. And yes, it is VERY clear when the Spirit is rebuking me. There are times when He does, and times when it's just me rebuking me.

I am going to let God, the giver of consolations, speak into my heart and tell me He loves me. I want to be loved so so badly, and He is just the one to do it.

And last but not least, I am going to put my feelings into view as I'm feeling them, if it won't damage another person. No more fear of feeling what I feel. So. Do I call that person up out of the blue and drop a bomb on them? Probably not. That opportunity has passed for now. I feel like the door could re-open in future years, but God is moving me out of that season of my life and into my new Australian season. But, mystery person, if you are reading this, it should be clear who you are. And you should know that even though it makes no sense and I am not sure, and it actually makes me laugh at myself, I....I....I think I may love you. Yeah, I think I may.