Two Yanks In Oz

As someone who's been in a church environment all my life, I can't tell you the exact moment when I really truly became a Christian. It was probably in the summer of 2008, to be honest. I think I knew God, and had been an extremely spiritual person until that point, but that summer completely broke me and it took forever to put the pieces back together.

Over the next year my life became a different picture. As Jesus worked on my heart and re-arranged me, He began to show me all the times I was wrong about Him. All the times I unfairly judged people. The times I told lies to get attention. The times I made people feel like they were not doing anything right; like they were not "good enough". And also the times that I twisted and manipulated people who needed God so that they would need me more. As if they ever could!

Of course, Jesus being who He is, He never left me feeling completely broken- He always walked me through it. Sure, there are some lingering feelings of guilt over things I really can't mend with people at this point, but I'm working through them.

He prepared my heart to come to Hillsong by wiping it clean of any notions or expectations of this place. And so I don't notice any sort of nervous thrill when someone famous walks by or says hello to me ( or helps me find the "loo"...LOL!) I'm just going with the flow and being part of this church.

But through being here and sitting through all these classes about teamwork and worship ministry, watching the way people treat each other with humility and respect and GENTLE words in times of correction, prayerfully considering every interaction, Jesus is breaking me more and more. Each day I have to learn new humility. The urge to be blunt with people, honest about their abilities, gifts, and talents is so overwhelming- and it's coming from a place of self-gratification. "If I can make them understand how bad they are at something, then they will understand how good I am at it!" This is probably the first time in my life I have been aware of how damaging I can be simply because I don't believe in myself.

I don't know how much more I can explain- I can simply say that our last lecture together last week was about "comparing". How we should never ever compare ourselves with others or base our perception of God's plans for us on what we see Him doing with our peers. And then there was a time of prophecy and prayer, and it was overwhelming for me to see. I have never felt so completely unjudged by people- and so "judged" by God all at once!

He's breaking my heart, you see. I keep praying to love people more, and He is first breaking my habit of automatically finding something to tuck away- something that person may not be perfect at- and use as a weapon later.

All I can say is God help me- right now I am feeling so sad for all of those people I have hurt in the name of Jesus. May all of you still come to know how very Good and Loving He is despite my treatment of you. The God I know now is not the God I represented even 2 years ago.