Simply put: God is good. There are many cliche phrases that can follow this statement but its abundantly clear that this statement is incredulously true when God creates amazing moments out of enormously hard situations.
I haven't spoken about this situation in its entirety because there were many parts to it and I felt that God and I needed to deal with this together. Few people have known about this circumstance until this point because I wanted to mostly internalize my emotions and come to an understanding about them before I could verbalize my conclusions and realizations.
My dad is in his last stage of life. He was transferred to the hospice ward today and no more aggressive medical treatments will be implemented because everything that could be done to bring him back to health has been done. I really do encourage prayers for his peace in body but I do want to make it clear that I do not write this blog to receive sympathy. I know most simply want to extend a hand towards me and help give me comfort during this time but I feel that this blog is about so much more. I implore you to look past the circumstance and see the incredible testimony that God has granted me in this situation.
My uncle and aunt on my dad's side have been only floaters in my life for quite some time. My uncle more so then my aunt who, for circumstances I won't divulge right now, has felt the need to keep a safe distance from my dad. I honestly don't blame this mentality. If anyone knows how I grew up, I think they could understand why my uncle would be less than keen to keep up consistent contact with my father. Needless to say that this lack of communication stemmed to me as well. My aunt is so gracious and sends me gifts and has helped me financially with my Australia endeavors but has kept our communication, till recently, at a minimum as well.
Because the other members of my family felt the need to keep a safe distance from my dad, I became the medical power of attorney. Simply put, I have had to make all the important decisions about my dad's care and have been given the sole responsibility of giving consent for his treatments. One of which was to place him in hospice care and forgo anymore aggressive measures to keep him alive.
It's been difficult. I could walk around this fact but I won't. There has been more then one time that I have cried because of the fact that I felt so incredibly alone and overwhelmed. I could receive advice from others, but at the end of the day I held the load of making the decisions. The decisions didn't have time to be pondered. They had to be quick because it could mean painful consequences if treatments or actions weren't taken in a prompt manner. I was extremely bitter. I'm 23 years old and have never dealt with anything remotely like this in my life. My family left me out to dry and left me to make all of these huge decisions without so much as a phone call. It mad me mad and upset but I swept those emotions to the side because I knew they wouldn't help anyone. They certainly wouldn't have helped me and I didn't want them affecting my judgment.
Luckily my mom stepped in to help me out. I am so blessed that she had the words to say, which I know God gave her to speak not only to me but to the other members of my family. She told my other family members that it wasn't right to let me feel alone in this. That it wasn't right for me not to have the support I desperately needed in this trying time. They listened. My uncle called a couple of days later and we talked about many different subjects. But mostly we hit on the fact of why he was so distant from me for more then half my life. He apologized and I understood his reasoning for his actions. I mean I couldn't judge because I had acted the same way towards my dad. We all have survival mode and both my uncle and I had implemented that during our lifetimes with my father. And the conversation ended with me knowing that my uncle would be there for me and would help me with this circumstance. Last night we talked again. We spoke about God and how we knew my dad would be at peace. My uncle asked about my life and how he felt I am mature beyond my years. Once we got off the phone I was so overwhelmed with joy and relief that I could doing nothing by cry. It was a relationship I have wanted for so long. I spoke with my aunt today too and she reassured me that whatever I needed it would only take a phone call to have what I need from her. I couldn't be more grateful that she would be an advisory figure and family member I could turn to.
You might be asking yourself, after reading my deepest and most painful thoughts and emotions during this time, what it is I'm trying to express in this blog.
I'm trying to express that God is good. God has taken an incredibly difficult situation and brought peace to my family; which has been missing for many years. And nothing replaces or masks the pain that comes with knowing you are losing a parent. It's a feeling that I hope is prolonged for as long as possible and a pain I would not wish upon anyone. Even though this is the case, I still have hope in the fact that my dad knows the Savior and that that same Savior granted the reunion of my family.
I also have been shown a great example through my mother and stepfather. It would make sense if they wanted to keep the farthest distance between my father and themselves but they have been the onces that have encouraged forgiveness and action. My mom helped me to see that if I didn't take action and visit my father, that I would regret it for the rest of my life if he passed while I was away in Australia.
She was correct and I now see how easily forgiveness can come when you realize that past hurts do not remotely compare to those you would feel if you were to lose that person without forgiving them and showing them love. The perspective that you gain when you know their passing is imminent is unlike anything I have experienced before. Gary has no love lost with my father but he has played an incredible role in this situation. He visited with my father and wanted him to know that he would not let him die alone. This is amazing. I see God through Gary in this situation because he genuinely cares and has empathy for my father. My mom has been so instrumental and hurts for my father's condition. She has been able to put all of her hurt aside to bring comfort to my father. The example I have seen of Christ's love through them is something I am so incredibly thankful for and am beyond grateful that Christ is in the middle of this situation. He is being gloried in every way.
No situation is hopeless. Even if you already know the outcome is going to be painful, it doesn't mean that God isn't working through it to bring love and peace to those who love Him. I want to encourage anyone reading this to press through. To know that yes tears and hurt will come but resolution and a new beginning can be present as well. That regardless of circumstance God will be glorified and that is comfort reaches far beyond guarding your heart. His comfort also brings forth a new joy and understanding about life.
If you are presented with a situation comparable, or not, to this in the future, please don't be hesitant to forgive. Please don't be hesitant to know that we were created to love and care for one another. People are fallen and are given horrible circumstances that, at times, can not be conquered on ones own. Life is too short to hold grudges and to turn a blind eye to those in need because of our own bitterness. God is the conquerer. Let Him lead you to a new understanding and be confident in the fact that He will surprise you by how he can completely manifest himself through others.
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